March 2nd, 2007
Of Beer, Foamarms and Imbeciles
So, Drewness, my girlfriend and I handled the final presidential debate in the only way that made any sense: With good beer and foam-flinging firearms. Armed with some very neato Nerf handguns Drewness picked up on the way over, we guzzled beer and fired volley after volley of squishy darts at Bush’s smug little countenance. Though we’re both Kerry supporters, we even tagged Lurch a few times when he rode the party horse a bit too hard. Understand this was the only way to survive without causing ourselves great physical harm. After three presidential and one vice-presidential debate, our senses of outrage have become frail and delicate from overuse, like a torn muscle still in the early stage of healing.
Bush’s sad, flimsy doctrines wear ever more threadbare, yet he continues to spit mouthfuls masticated nonsense from his podium in the desperate hope some of it will hit an undecided voter who prefers his or her truth pre-chewed. Kerry, once again bristling with facts, dates and quotes, continued to hammer at Bush’s utter disregard for the truth; this was sadly like gentle Caribbean tides trying to erode the face of a granite cliff. Bush is impenetrable to the truth; you will not give honesty or truth access to his mind without the liberal use of blasting caps and dynamite. The formidable thickness of his skull and his monolithic “resolve” against facts prevent any attempt to inject reason or sense into the Great and Powerful Bush. Nevermind that Cheney behind the curtain. Karl Rove is in no way the Lord High Minister of Oopma Loompas.
There was a great circus on the internet yesterday about the possibility that Bush was wearing a radio receiver and wireless earpiece during the Town Hall debate. This theory was generated by several images of the President from behind that showed a conspicuous rectangular bulge under his jacket. There was enough of a hoopla that even the major news outlets at least mentioned the incident, though in tones normally reserved for explaining to children that no monsters lurk in thier closets. In true Republican style, the “expert” they trotted out to discount this theory wasn’t a security expert or CIA agent. It was, and I’m not kidding, Bush’s tailor. Well, if the President’s suitmaker says so, who are we to question? According to his tailor, it was just a “bulge” of the fabric. Nicolle Devenish, a campaign spokeswoman, called it “a rumpling of that portion of his suit jacket” but couldn’t say why it was rectangular. Check out www.nytimes.com/2004/10/09/politics/campaign/09bulge.html and Salon.com for a few takes on this story.
What the conspiracy sites failed to mention is that even if such a thing were true, if Bush’s handlers really were feeding him answers, they did a profoundly poor job of it. He still sounded dimwitted, still lost control of his temper, still had very little to say save for his usual tired, redundant catch-phrases. If Rove and Cheney are going to operate the president like a ventriloquist’s dummy, the least they can do is ensure something intelligent comes out of his mouth. I’m toying with an alternative theory; perhaps the bulge was just the President’s battery pack. Could it be that Bush is simply the “Energizer Dummy?” Were there presidential programmers, deep in the sunless bowels of a Washington bunker, being flogged that night for their clumsy debate code?
Bush was far more composed last night than in the previous debates, and looked less likely to pull a Bruce Banner when confronted with a troublesome question. He got a little snarky here and there, and did interrupt and occasionally outright ignore the moderator and his own debate rules. Well, what can we really expect these days? The emperor has begun, ever so slightly, to feel a breeze on his buttocks. When up against Kerry he knows he’s overmatched - it’s like Jerry Fallwell trying to debate physics with Stephen Hawking. So, his innate, animal belligerence shines through because he and his handlers know that in a cage, a tiger will eat Einstein every time.
The same dynamic exists in the timeworn religion versus science chestnut that was danced around like an equinox bonfire last night. Kerry had a least the cajones to say that his faith was very important to him but that it wasn’t appropriate for him to use legislation to force it on others; he openly admitted he sometimes persues policies that are at odds with his religious convictions. He rightly and intelligently said that the government must respect the faiths (or lack thereof) of all people in this nation. Mr. Bush, who has towed the conservative right-wing line like a plucky little tugboat, said more than once that freedom should be for all people. However, at no point was he struck by lightening, nor did his tongue have any noticeable fork in it. I suppose robots don’t attract universal cliches for falsehood the way living, breathing folks do. Freedom and liberty have different definitions to the conservatives. They will force-feed you all the freedom you can take, they’ll gag you with it, they’ll pack your lungs full of it until you asphyxiate. All the liberty spilling from their cornucopia of democracy, however, is for good, white Christian people who don’t have abortions, don’t care about advances in medical science, and tolerate gay people as long as the uppity queers don’t demand equality. If you don’t like their version of freedom, you can frankly fuck off. All citizens are, indeed, equal. Some are just, you know, more equal than others. If you don’t like the right wing definition, if you aren’t willing to fall in line, they cordially invite you to get the fuck out of their country you un-american, terrorist smooching, baby killing, immoral, sub-human scumbag.What a narrow, willful, cruel and greedy view of the world.
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March 2nd, 2007
I am very tired. The tech job I was supposed to do Thursday and Friday spiraled so absurdly out of control that, someday a thousand years from now, archaeologists will unearth ruins inscribed with a hieroglyphic record of this debacle. This clusterfuck will become legend.
The good part is that none of the insanity was my fault. The bad part is I worked about 45 hours Thursday through Sunday. I was still finishing up last night at 11:30pm. Bear in mind I’d gotten there at 8:00am that morning and had worked through with no breaks, save for two hastily smoked cigarettes. You might conjecture from this information that I am tired. You are right; your theory is, however, an insulting understatement.
I had enough caffiene this morning to give a platoon of violent speed freaks each a coronary embolism. I had a truly monolithic can of energy drink called “BooKoo.” It’s large, black and has several dozen chimpanzees smacking each other with femurs under it. It’s 24 ounces of pure speed; the label claims it’s three servings. On top of that, I had a 24 ounce coffee.“How are you alive to type this?” you might be thinking. “Surely your heart detonated like a low yield nuclear device and sprayed chunks of your flabby ass all over the tri-state area. Surely, having survived, you couldn’t possibly be reckless enough to be drinking another large coffee at this moment! Ah, how wrong you are, my friend. As impossible as it sounds, the 48 ounces of concentrated caffiene I consumed in one hour this morning did nothing to reverse the zombified condition I find myself in. I am, in fact, consuming another large coffee at this moment, as I was about to doze off at my desk and feared if I allowed it I might enter a coma for the remainder of the week. I can’t afford to do that - I have comedy to prepare for Saturday. Plus, my employer would likely frown on my leaving behind the chunk of tongue I’d bite off when my jaw hit my desk. Fortunately, I don’t crave human brains . . . yet.
The problem I find with most things that occur outside my home is that the outside world is, as part of it’s very nature, public. I often find public troublesome because it tends to contain people, who are for the most part utter smacktards. Smacktards have no congress with truth, nor is there any concern for other people in them. Public gives them a dangerous sense of anonymity. Anonymity to a smacktard is like an open bar to W. C. Fields - an opportunity to go completely batshit. This relates to my weekend catastrophe in that everyone involved in the project had everything ready on time, save for one total smacktard. Because of this cockmonger’s empty promises and flaccid excuses, everyone else involved in the project was subjected to varying degrees of complete and total hell.It just goes to show no matter how tasty the chili is, there will always be at least one rat turd in the can. You won’t notice the turd at first glance as it’s been marinating in chili for fuck knows how long, but you’ll eat it. This metaphor doesn’t make any sense at all.It’s the fucking smacktards again. They’re drawing IQ points from me slowly, draining me at a rate so gradual that they think I won’t notice. That way, by the time I detect something awry I’ll be dimwitted and comlaisant. I’m onto the fuckers, though. I’ve drawn a bead on their misshapen, distended heads. Just take a few more steps, pigfuckers. Oh yes, just a few more steps so I can get a clear shot.
*This post has fallen into total incoherence and has been terminated.*
Fucker. I’m tired.
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March 2nd, 2007
There will be more. For now, I have a specific audience I want to speak to. Only 17% of registered voters between the ages of 18 and 29 voted this year. If you are among the 17% who voted, you needn’t read any further - unless you have in mind a comment or two for the 83% who didn’t. I want to speak to you dimwitted motherfuckers who couldn’t tear yourselves away for an hour from whatever meaningless, banal entertainment that occupied you last night to go vote.
Let the record state that my anger at you isn’t because I necessarily think Kerry would have won if you’d gotten off your self-absorbed asses; my problem with you childish little diarrhea stains is that you didn’t vote at all. My examples will be those of more liberal persuasion, but my issue is your fucking apathy. Assuming at least some of you ignorant shits are literate enough to read, I have the following message for you:
I hope Bush does re-institute the draft, and I hope all of you end up human bullet-stops in some blood-caked, sandy little hellhole in the Middle East. I hope this because that is the only way you can be of any use to this nation. That’s all you are fucking worth – to soak up bullets and shrapnel so the officers and very expensive equipment behind you don’t. When the draft cards come in, we don’t want to hear a fucking peep from you dumbasses, either. You had your chance, now you can fuck off. It’s clear from your apathy, your selfishness, your ignorant laziness, and your total lack of interest in your own well-being that the youth population has grown fat and idiotic. You don’t make enough money to even make a meaningful contribution to income tax; the only input you have is TV ratings. It’s time to thin the herd; time for another generation to get a reality check by seeing a large percentage of your demographic killed or horribly maimed in some vicious, uncertain conflict far from home.
For those of you that don’t gasp a gargling last breath after getting in the way of a piece of enemy ordinance, there is another fate appropriate for you. I hope you can’t find jobs, lose your healthcare, and find yourselves living a personal nightmare of mediocrity. You deserve to live paycheck to paycheck for twenty or thirty only years to realize that you have no hope for retirement. If there is any justice in this world, you will have to look a child of your own in the eyes and explain to him or her why there are no new clothes or holiday gifts this year. I want you to weep with impotent despair; may your every moment be defined by an unyielding sense of futility.
Those of you who are in college – you should be fucked with chainsaws and then rolled in margarita salt. You’re supposed to be educating yourselves, becoming adults, taking charge of your lives. You’ll spend hours preparing for a party but you can’t bear to be away from the beer pong table for an hour or so to fucking vote? You are hereby banned from complaining about your educational costs, your health costs and the fact you won’t find a decent job when you graduate. That cashier/barteneder/waiter/waitress/busboy job? Get fucking used to it; you’re going to be there for a while. What, the only programming position you could land pays 22K a year and is 35 hours a week, disqualifying you for health care? Tough shit. Suck it up, and smile while you swallow. This is what you wanted,you lazy motherfucker. It must be, or you would have done something to tell our leadership otherwise.
If you’re gay and didn’t vote – what the fuck is wrong with you? One side of this election (the side that won) wants to bring the pain to you, and they are not fucking around about it. They want to officially make you second-class citizens. They want to crush the resistance out of you – to browbeat you until you know your place. The more the conservatives get their way with you guys - the more they can legislate away your citizenship - the more they’re going to want to take from you. Neocons hate you with a seething fury; they want to see you dragged through the streets and treated like criminals; they want to make you out to be dangerously insane. Placating these people, rubbing the stiff nipples of the religious right for the millions of votes they have, depends on fucking with you. The conservative bigots get out to the polls and vote. If you didn’t, you are among the dumbest motherfuckers in this country. You should be fucking ashamed of yourselves and your friends should tie you up in burlap sacks and beat you mushy with cricket bats.
All of you lazy pieces of shit will, of course, keep your fucking mouths shut about anything pertaining to the behavior of the government, the economy, your right to control your reproductive health, your ass possibly being blown off in a foreign conflict, or your safety from terrorism. When you can’t afford to insure or put gasoline in your car, shut the fuck up. You had a chance and you didn’t want it. If any of you brain-damaged fucktards are thinking “voting doesn’t really matter” or “they don’t care about the youth vote anyway” or some such ignorant nonsense, you have my blessing to fuck yourself until your eyes bleed and your genitals burst. As was evident in this election, there is no goddamned reason for politicians to do even the most basic thing for you; you don’t vote anyway. You are not a threat or a benefit to any politician. You don’t exist. You’ve abdicated your right to complain, and any control you might have exerted over your environment. If you’re incarcerated for months or years by a government agency without benefit of legal representation, if you find yourself paralyzed with horror and disbelief in some Iraq wasteland as your buddy is blown into a mist of blood and bone, if you lose your teeth because you can’t afford a dentist, if you have to watch your child die horribly of some disease that may have been treatable . . . You’ll want to have a say then, won’t you? Oh, yes you will. But, it will be too fucking late. The truly sad thing is that, should any horror befall you, you’ll fucking deserve it. You chose not to have a voice, you chose to have your decisions made for you, and you deserve whatever happens. I’m rooting for something truly depraved and heinous, but then again I have no sympathy for lazy wastes of breathable oxygen. Maybe I’m cold hearted, but at least I’m adult enough take responsibility for it. You, on the other hand, are brainless, selfish assholes. If you all died tomorrow the only way we’d know is by the sharp decrease in the sales of Avril Levigne records and improved service at the Taco Bell drive through.
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March 2nd, 2007
A few selections from previous blogs.
Tired - 10/4/2004 - Exhaustion + too much caffiene + incoherence = hilarity
Of Fall - 10/12/2004 - Halloween and Dick Cheney
Of Beer, Foamarms and Imbeciles - 10/14/2004 - The debates require medication and weaponry.
Of Abrupt Seasons, Hats and Corporate Abuse of the Press - 10/22/2004 - I only archived the hat part of this post. The rest was a bit . . . preachy.
Josh Goes Apeshit on the topic of youth voting - 11/3/2004 - Not for the easily offended or the faint of heart. I invent creative methods of torture and or execution and sentence various sections of the non-voting youth demographic to them. Not, perhaps, my most articulate or well thought out post, but the sentiment was genuine.
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March 2nd, 2007
. . . and his name that sat on him was Josh, and Hilarity followed with him. ”
So, I have begun to blog. Mind you, the usage of blog as a verb - specifically the phrase “to blog” - still sounds like some obscure bit of UK slang referring to masturbation. “Right, mates, I’m off home to blog myself silly and take a nap. Cheers.” Anyhoo, having gotten my first wanking reference out of the way and this being the first official post, I thought I’d spare you some tedious introduction. Josh is Merciful and good, and won’t subject you to the the whole “Hey I’m Josh, and I’m from New Jersey, and I have a cat and three pygmies living in my guest bedroom . . .” bollocks that you’d be inclined to scan through looking for interesting obscenities; I’ll jump right to what I’ll ultimately do here:
1. I will complain. I may do this at length and, occasionally, with startling violence. For a time I wrote a blog at livejournal. Some of those posts I will archive here when I have a chance so you may view the foaming diatribes of the past to see how the foaming diatribes of the present compare. Whatever lays an unrequested Cleveland Steamer on my day will generally end up here. It occurs to me that, having never considered requesting a Cleveland Steamer, the preceding sentence lacks the impact of truth. Oh well, it’s passed now. No need to dwell on the past.
2. I will occasionally attempt to sound intelligent and/or insightful regarding current events. Along with this is likely to be a reasonable amount of embarrassing the shit out of myself and/or sounding like a pompous dickhead; fortunately as a stand up comic, I am not expected to always be consistent. It is interesting to note, however, that the generally agreed upon “rules regarding acceptable consistency level” for stand up comics is still significantly more restrictive than those placed upon politicians. Hmm.
3. I will shamelessly and without the slightest bit of self-consciousness promote myself and my stand up performances. This will typically be done with an enthusiasm and dedication that will border on the pathological. I may also give myself “props” that might, in fact, be “mad” and do so with an “abandon” that can only be called “reckless.”
So, that is roughly the breakdown. Feel free to join up and make comments and the like. I apologize for the whole “sign up to comment” crap but it’s one of the only ways to keep spammers from trying to sell you cheap Viagra through my blog. Seriously, the shit isn’t even that cheap anyway. I checked — Um, I mean I read in the New Yorker that the shit isn’t really all that cheap. Righto. Strangely, my left shoe tastes vaguely of chocolate chip cookies . . . I know this because it’s in my mouth right now. So, hopefully you’ll enjoy the posts at least somewhat and, if you promise to keep reading it, I promise not to send my pygmies over to your house to make inventive kites out of your undergarments. Don’t laugh, the little fuckers excel at making kites.
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March 2nd, 2007
Were this an actual blog post there would, you know, be a real blog post here.
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March 2nd, 2007
This is my blog. There are many like it, but this blog is mine. Mind you, the usage of blog as a verb - specifically the phrase “to blog” - still sounds like some obscure bit of UK slang referring to masturbation. “Right, mates, I’m off home to blog myself silly and take a nap. Cheers.” Anyhoo, having gotten my first wanking reference out of the way and this being the first official post, I thought I’d spare you some tedious introduction. Josh is Merciful and good, and won’t subject you to the whole “Hey I’m Josh, and I’m from New Jersey, and I have a cat and three pygmies living in my guest bedroom . . .” drivel that you’d be inclined to scan through looking for interesting obscenities; I’ll jump right to what I’ll ultimately do here:
1. I will complain. I may do this at length and, occasionally, with startling violence. For a time I wrote a blog on another site. Some of those posts I will archive here when I have a chance so you may view the foaming diatribes of the past to see how the foaming diatribes of the present compare. Whatever lays an unrequested Cleveland Steamer on my day will generally end up here. It occurs to me that, having never considered requesting a Cleveland Steamer, the preceding sentence lacks the impact of truth. Oh well, it’s passed now. No need to dwell on the past.
2. I will occasionally attempt to sound intelligent and/or insightful regarding current events. Along with this is likely to be a reasonable amount of embarrassing the shit out of myself and/or sounding like a pompous dickhead; fortunately as a stand up comic, I am not expected to always be consistent. It is interesting to note, however, that the generally agreed upon “rules regarding acceptable consistency level” for stand up comics is still significantly more restrictive than those placed upon politicians. Hmm.
3. I will shamelessly and without the slightest bit of self-consciousness promote myself and my stand up performances. This will typically be done with an enthusiasm and dedication that will border on the pathological. I may also give myself props that might, in fact, be mad and do so with an abandon that can only be called reckless.
So, that is roughly the breakdown. Feel free to join up and make comments and the like. I apologize for the whole “sign up to comment” crap but it’s one of the only ways to keep spammers from trying to sell you cheap Viagra through my blog. Seriously, the shit isn’t even that cheap anyway. I checked — Um, I mean I read in the New Yorker that the shit isn’t really all that cheap. Righto. No need to dwell on the past.
So, hopefully you’ll enjoy the posts at least somewhat and, if you promise to keep reading it, I promise not to send my pygmies over to your house to make inventive kites out of your undergarments. Don’t laugh, the little fuckers excel at making kites.
The Official Press Packet Hyperbole:
Josh is a Stand Up Comic in the New York/New Jersey area. He has been performing around the city for four years, including regular appearances at the World Famous New York Improv (Now known as The Broadway Comedy Club). He’s also performed at clubs like the New York Comedy Club (beware of the music on this page) and The Stress Factory (ditto). He’s made numerous other appearances around the area, performing in front of sold-out crowds. He’s performed in Scotland at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival; most notably with the Shoestring Players, a “Best Of Fringe” winning comedy troupe. He is also the creator and host of the Podcast Radio show The Laugh Riot with Josh Reynolds.
Josh won New York’s Funniest Actor on in September, 2005 in a contest judged by a panel of talent agents. Josh has a broad background. He is a classically trained actor, having studied at the Mason Gross School of the Arts and in London at The London Academy of Theater. He has worked both as a Rock & Roll Roadie and as a television stunt man . . . No, really. Credits available. He also writes for the Fashion Victims section in Life & Style Magazine, if you’d like to see him mock badly dressed celebrities every Friday.
His wildly eclectic material, ranging from politics to bodily emissions, keeps audiences gasping for air (the humor, not the bodily emissions - those he reserves for his girlfriend.) He can jump from acerbic political commentary to a tale of zesty drunken hijinx in the time it takes to realize an audience doesn’t know who Karl Rove is. Josh is one of New York’s hottest new talents and a consistent crowd pleaser.
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